Happy 7th Birthday in Heaven Sinead
You Never Forget what happens when you birth a sleeping baby
This time 7 years ago, I had given birth to my sleeping angel.
I knew it was over, the moment I felt Sinead's foot, I was in the bathroom at the time when this happened,
I cried not only with the labour pain but knowing I would never ever get to bring my baby home, in fact, all through my labour I couldn't stop crying
I cried with sheer grief and anger how the doctor treated me as a piece of meat on a bed "sorry but I can't stay with you I got another patient to go to !!!
I found out after many complaints to the hospital that the doctor did in fact NOT follow the correct procedure to take out my placenta" she was too busy thinking of the other patient who was going to deliver a healthy baby so why would she be any use to my baby when she told me my baby wasn't worth saving.
Being on a labour ward where you can hear crying babies when you know you at risk of premature labour isn't the place where you want to be, I fought hard NOT to be moved down to labour ward and because I didn't want to be moved, the doctor, in fact, refused to give me antibiotics until I moved.
When my Sinead was born I was too scared to hold her, I felt what kind of mother was I, I felt utter disbelief that my body had failed her. I wished I NEVER woke up if I am perfectly honest, I am sure those who have been in my shoes, know too well this feeling. Why NOT take me, then my baby.....
How I hate myself for not being able to hold my own baby at that very moment in time.
They took Sinead to a cupboard in a Moses basket I didn't even have my own blanket or a dress for her and even when I asked for a sanitary towel during my time in the hospital, I was given a lecture about how the hospital does not give out sanitary towels due to maternity cuts, seriously as if I really thought I was going to deliver my blinking baby.
Then a few hours later this consultant knocked on the door and asked why I didn't get a cervical stitch.
I was beyond devastated they thought it was okay to talk about saving my baby when she was lying dead.
To this day I never forgot this moment.
The moment where I was at my weakest in despair and in shock
And my baby is in a bloody cupboard and you know that someone, hasn't read your blinking medical notes and you lying in a bloody labour ward hearing babies crying when you never got to hear your baby cry
Hours later when a friend came with a camera, as the midwives were too busy to take photos and prints of my sleeping baby, after all, who wants to do this job.
I remember I had to walk to the labour reception to ask for my sleeping baby because they were too busy to come, in a moment was what I kept being told, I kept saying to myself, in a blinking moment I won't be here and I am going to be walking out with nothing in my arms after the most heartbreaking birth.
Why would they need to hurry my baby was dead, it was only a photo of my Sinead, it was only footprints to them, it was not their baby, after all, no one realised I just given birth :(
When I finally got the courage to pick up my baby.
I was literally shaking, I didn't know if I should cry or smile for the photos.
I will always live with the fact a simple water infection hadn't been treated correctly which led to my waters gushing and had they given me antibiotics at the time I would never have PPROM
And had they only checked me over two weeks prior,
Even if they had given me antibiotics when I did PPROM this could have prolonged my pregnancy BUT they didn't listen to me when I told them my waters had broken the midwife sent me home telling me I was being silly!!!
That same midwife had the cheek to come to my house and tell me, so sorry 'Ciara' I never realised your baby was going to die...
she has never ever apologised for sending me home!
Maybe just maybe things would have been different and I would never have PPROM because of a simple water infection.
I will always ask why can't they learn from my case, why are we so not doing more to prevent this condition in pregnancy
I know here at Little Heartbeats we a lot of work to do, but I hope if a doctor or midwife is reading this please learn from my story think about when a mum PPROM's, promise me that you will do everything in your power to look after our pregnant mums and our dads to be, let them know it is possible to carry on further and at least offer them antibiotics.
There is so much more to my story but as you can image it's pretty tough to talk about it and when you look back and you know you one of the losses that could have been avoided but because the medical world is not allowed to own up to making mistakes.
Which I found out the hard way, as a patient, that the UK law doesn't protect my rights as a pregnant women or of my unborn child and I have learnt over the years we would rather save money then spend it on maternity and we would rather cover things up than admit fault because we too embarrassed to admit fault which led to a death of someone's baby, how do we possibly learn from things, if we don't change the outlook on things, we know you only human
Mistakes happen, so own up to these, as we can improve care when you do make these mistakes.
There were errors after errors in my care, I live with constant nightmares
The last words I told my sleeping baby was I will not allow anyone to go through what I did and I will empower pregnant mums and dads to be to have the knowledge to be their voices for their babies.
My three wishes for my daughter Sinead's birthday is
1. We want our charity status so very badly and working so VERY hard, I am just waiting to meet up with Davinia and once I have, we are on the road to our charity status, to make sure we do gain our status and carry on our good work, please donate towards PPROM awareness by giving a little to our GO Fund page https://www.gofundme.com/ppromawareness or via our PayPal account to firstname.lastname@example.org (dot between little and heartbeats)
Also the reason we added the heartbeat mascot is because when PPROM happened to me, after my scan, the doctor refused to allow me to listen in to my baby, which still breaks me to this day.
I know this mascot is making a massive difference, and we know this mascot is taken to every single appointment by many of our mums who received these, and if our mums are blessed, their babies then carry it everywhere, and for the ones who are not so blessed, they have this special little mascot to remind them of their little angels, their babies were worth every bit of hope.
2. I would like to gain 100,000 signatures, https://www.change.org/p/jeremy-hunt-treat-pprom-as-it-states-as-emergency-lets-save-babies-lives until we gain 100.000signatures, this government will not listen to us, at the moment they do not see PPROM as an issue. This needs to change, and I need you to sign TONIGHT
3. UCLH charity, are right now researching into the stem cell to reseal the membranes, Do note that research costs thousands and thousands of pounds BUT research saves lives, it really does, donate tonight by donating here
or by text message to just giving PROM49 £2 to text number 70070
If you can do all three, it would mean an awful lot.
I like to say big thanks to Tina for donating to Little Heartbeats and to UCLH stem cell project today in memory of her grandson.
Daniel White who left us on November 11th 2016
I believe that our losses are not in vain, and truly believe that Every Little Heartbeat is worthy of Hope, and time and time again we have helped many families go home with their babies. We do our uppermost to make sure you don't, although we simply do not know until you baby is born.
Do know there is Hope always.
I hope by sharing some of my story makes you know you NOT alone.
One day I promise I will share my full story.
Because of my loss, Little Heartbeats exists.
Help us keep existing by supporting our work.
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Our video with snippets of our story of loss. Watch this and share it on, education and knowledge is very powerful.